Confessions From the Underground #5: Imposter Syndrome

**This column originally appeared in our March 2025 issue**

CONFESSIONS FROM THE UNDERGROUND: Imposter Syndrome

Doubt is pretty much my middle name. We musicians are full of it. It’s almost a prerequisite for such a profession, and I for one have been feeling it for as long as I can remember. Even here at Metroland, I sometimes think to myself, “What am I even doing? These writers are all so much better than me!” So when Deanna Deluke reached out to me about her own battles with self-doubt, I knew what had to be done: a lengthy, deep-dive conversation, of course. That’s what you came here for, right?! Deanna and I go back more than a decade, when our former bands were playing shows together in the area. I have really fond memories of both that time and those bands, and so it was really exciting for me to learn that Deanna was gearing up to release some new solo music this year. Spoiler alert: it’s great. So – without further ado, here’s a conversation about imposter syndrome. I’m going to worry about whether I did a good enough job on it now.

[Deanna Deluke]: Thank you for having me! I'm really happy about it. [This] column, with the different deep dive topics, is one of my favorites.

[TJ Foster]: Oh, that means so much to me! Sometimes I do these and wonder, “is this just for me? Does anyone even read this?” (laughs) So I'm glad to hear that you enjoy it. Now, as you know, I usually come up with a topic and then blindside my guests with it, but you and I were talking recently and you mentioned experiencing some imposter syndrome, and I thought it was such a great topic for this column. So talk to me a little bit about that. Where does all this stem from for you?

[DD]: I think there's a range, for sure. It can start with just some basic insecurities and anxieties, to maybe something more deeply rooted, where a person really has trouble recognizing how good they are, or how accomplished or talented or appreciated they are. I don't think I'm off the deep end with it but, just to put it very basically, I definitely wonder sometimes, like, “Is this any good?” And I've had to shift my definition of what ‘good’ is, or what it means to me. And I've gotten, I think, to a place where, if I like it, then that's good enough. And if someone else gets something out of it, even better. But yeah, instead of looking for external recognition, I've been trying to, I guess, ‘un-imposter syndrome’ my brain by just thinking about how I feel, and if it fulfills a need. How do you define it, though? 

[TF]: Honestly, it’s very similar to you, but I feel like the older I get, the more top of mind it is. It's almost like, the longer you've been doing something and trying to do it well, the more it feels like you're not. And I don't know why. But what you just said was very relatable to me, because I've also been trying to do similar things and live by that old mantra, ‘don't let perfect be the enemy of good.’ As musicians, I think we're always chasing “perfection”, but it's never gonna come, is it? Nothing's perfect, and music especially shouldn't be! When I’m making a song, I always end up in the same cycle. Right away, I might feel like it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Then, I start actually recording it and think it absolutely sucks. It ebbs and flows. Eventually, I’ll get to a point of complacency, throw my hands up and decide to release it whether I’m fully satisfied or not. Which I’ve learned I never really will be.

[DD]: Well, I can confirm nothing you have put out sucks. I think your music is excellent. I really love your songwriting. I think your recordings sound great. I’m not just saying this, but as an unbiased external person, I can say that you are really good, I promise. 

[TF]: Well geez, thank you. And right back at you! I mean, I've loved your stuff forever, since we started playing shows together, in the early 2010s, I think it was.

[DD]: Right, yeah, with Lucky Jukebox [Brigade]. We got started in 2010, which is wild! So, yeah, I'm glad that we're both still doing what we're doing.

[TF]: So obviously you took a break for a bit from making music. When was the last time you put something out? 

[DD]: I think it was around 2015 with the band. I've been writing on and off since then. The band just kind of dissolved, in a very amicable way. I think we're all still best friends, but to not be making music together was really tough for me to adjust to, because I had wanted that band to be a career band, where we could go on tour and at least financially sustain ourselves for a while doing that. And it didn't happen. I think for most bands it unfortunately doesn't happen; it doesn't really matter how talented you are, to some extent. So, I think I was kind of depressed about that for a couple years. I maybe had a more complicated relationship with making music at the time, because to some extent it made me sad to think, like, “Okay, I'm writing this song, but there's no band…” It felt a little lonely. But at the same time, I didn't really have the energy to invite other people in at that point. 

All along, I've still been writing, especially within the past four years, and I think I really sped up my writing around like January of 2020, and that was because of anxiety I was feeling – imposter syndrome-esque – about something non-music related going on in my life. I want to touch on that later. But I was just a crazy bundle of feelings and unbalanced neurotransmitters and whatever else. 

[TF]: It's crazy to me to hear you say that about Lucky Jukebox because I was in the exact same position as you were at that time. I feel like our bands were kind of coming up together. And then it seemed like everything just fizzled really quickly. And tell me if this is true for you too, but for me, I think that really layered in a lot of this imposter syndrome feeling for longer than I even realized. 

[DD]: I definitely feel that too, and it's kind of comforting to hear that you also experienced that. It makes sense when you have a project that you kind of think is “endgame,” and it doesn't pan out that way. I think it brought up a lot of those feelings of self-doubt, anxiety and even sadness or depression because it didn't go where I wanted it to go, despite how hard we all worked for it. And same with you guys just being really talented, really pushing, but it just doesn't… for whatever reasons, which I don't think have anything to do with the music itself… happen. I think that definitely put in a foundation of, I don't know… “Was this ever any good?” or “Were we working hard enough?” or “Were we playing enough shows?” 

[TF]: What other sorts of things, for you, trigger these doubts? 

[DD]: For me, it's definitely the recording process, especially because the music I'm working on now, it’s all DIY. I'm calling them bedroom recordings because I'm doing them here in my bedroom. But I'm not an engineer. I'm not a producer. That's not my background at all. I'm just doing what I can with a home recording setup. So I've been very, I don't know, doubtful of how good I can make a song sound with the skills and equipment that I have, or lack thereof.  But then I was thinking, like you said, nothing's ever perfect. You can always feel like something could be different. 

I can think of recordings that we spent days on in the studio, and I'll still go back and listen to them and find things that I don't like. So knowing that – with the amazing producers that [Lucky Jukebox Brigade] worked with in the past, and the studios we worked in – I can still listen and not feel great about the way it came out, I might as well just do this because I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying recording and mixing and mastering to the best of my ability, and learning more about how to do it as I go along. It's definitely making me feel good creatively. So I guess that's another question: where's the line between self-doubt and just being honest with yourself about your strengths and limitations? I know that my recordings aren't going to come out sounding as objectively good as they would if I were in a studio with someone who does that for their passion and their work. At what point is imposter syndrome just being honest with yourself about the good and the bad?

[TF]: That's a really good question. I think it's almost important to identify… not what you are, but like, what's the main thing you're doing, right? Because at the end of the day, if you really think about it, you are tackling three – no, four – very different things. You're writing a song, then you're tracking the song, and now you're also mixing and mastering the song. You have to wear all these different hats at once, and there's very few people that I’ve found that can do all of those things perfectly! I look at you, and I look at your songs, and I'm like, “what an amazing songwriter.” At the end of the day, whatever it sounds like doesn't really matter because the songs themselves are good. 

[DD]: Thank you. 

[TF]: I love a good song. If it was recorded in a bedroom, or if it was recorded in a $500,000 studio, it doesn't really matter. So yes, I feel like we do have to be honest with ourselves in some aspects. I contradict this all the time. Up until this last record [E.R.I.E.] just did, I was very passionate about doing things myself because I enjoyed it. It felt like having more control and doing it on my own terms was a net positive. But also, I found that I was putting a lot more pressure on myself, and that didn't yield great results. So the way I'm hearing you describe this is, you're learning as you go and accepting how it's going to come out. And it's coming out great! 

[DD]: I guess in terms of being honest about the process, I do feel confident in my songwriting. If I'm at the point where I'm going to record a song and put it out, I already love the song. It's just the technical stuff that I know I'm not as good at and that's okay. I am choosing to do it this way, and I'm enjoying doing it this way. Maybe eventually I would want to re-record everything in a $500,000 studio, but for now I want to represent the songs as best I can with what I have. And I think just finding that place of acceptance – especially being a perfectionist as so many of us musicians and artists are – where it doesn't have to be perfect in order for me to feel good about it? It's kind of a revelation. 

[TF]: Being in the middle of putting out new music, what things have really gotten you over that hump of self-doubt?

[DD]: I think just being able to get the songs to sound better than I thought I was capable of. They’re definitely not as good as any of the producers I've worked with in the past would make them sound but, as I'm working on them, most of the time I'm feeling okay [about them]. And I think, like you said, just focusing on the songwriting. Because I do agree; if a song is good, whether it's recorded on a voice memo or in an amazing studio, it's going to sound good. Listening to like, Taylor Swift for example – the voice memos of some of her songs, I still like them. It’s still a good song and you can hear that, even if it's just something she sang into her phone! 

[TF]: It’s funny you say that, because that's like a whole other trip down imposter syndrome. Like, “This is way too good for a voice memo, I give up.” (laughs)

[DD]: That's right, that could be another whole conversation.

[TF]: I have had similar conversations with other musicians in the area, and that in itself is a revelation, just to hear how many others feel this sense of imposter syndrome. Have you encountered any of that along the way?

[DD]: Yeah, I definitely have. From people including you, who I think highly of and love their music and their songwriting; from my perspective, it feels like there's no reason they should feel that way. But it's not rational! I mean, it's coming from a place that’s not grounded in reality. And sometimes I think it just helps to hear that from somebody else, and maybe talking about it helps – to say it out loud to someone they trust to give them an honest opinion. Because if someone comes back and says, “No, you're crazy, this is fucking awesome! What are you talking about?” It kind of resets your mind about it a bit. But I was also doing some reading leading up to this and learned that some of the most talented people in history have struggled with this too. It's something that Nina Simone talked about in interviews. So it's definitely not unique to anyone in the artistic community, I don't think. 

[TF]: So, as we said earlier, we go back performing-wise to almost 15 years ago. When did you start making music?

[DD]: I first started in high school. That was my first… band? I'll say we were a band. I think we had like three songs, and that's fine. That's when I started playing guitar, taking lessons, and I had two friends who I wrote with. We played some local high school shows and it was great. From there, I started writing solo stuff, maybe around age 18 or 19, and the very first songs I ever recorded were done exactly the way I'm doing them now: alone with a MacBook, a not-so-great microphone, and GarageBand. So it's kind of interesting that I've come back around to that. I think I'm feeling, I don't know, some of the same feelings I felt then in a good way: just doing this for me, more than what other people are going to say about it. 

[TF]: I started making music when I was maybe 12. And I certainly don't recall feeling like this back then. Like, we were all just kind of cocky kids, playing music because we wanted to impress people, and having fun. But at some point along the way, these imposter feelings start developing. So I wanted to ask you, at what point in the journey do you think we start developing all that? When we're young, we have these dreams of doing this thing forever, and then once we get to a certain age, it's like, “Oh, shit. This isn't going to happen, is it?” Do you think it's an age thing? 

[DD]: I mean, maybe. Or maybe as we age, we just develop more self-awareness in general. I think at some point, when I was first writing solo stuff, maybe in my early 20s, I knew that some of what I was writing sucked. But I also kind of knew that I had to work through it and be okay with writing songs that either sucked or were mediocre at best, just to learn how to do it. I could’ve stopped because I didn't like what I was making, or pushed through and learned how to write songs that I was proud of. And I think I was able to do that. 

I think maybe where more of the imposter syndrome questions came in – which you kind of identified for me actually, I hadn't really thought too much about this – was Lucky Jukebox Brigade not working out. I really hadn't thought much about myself as a musician outside of that band because I was just so all-in with that project. 

[TF]: You said you wanted to come back to some more personal elements of this topic, so I’m curious how that plays into everything for you? 

[DD]: I think what launched a lot of this [new] songwriting was something that's probably relatable: when you're in a new relationship or just falling madly in love with someone and you go a little crazy. It's that feeling of, “Oh, I really want this to last. But what if it doesn't last?” Just the way you can spiral, while you're also wrapped up in the magic of having that new relationship, new love, whatever. And I think that could definitely be coming from a place of anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity, whatever. So for me, I felt insane. I guess I had to write some songs about it, because I didn't know what else to do with it. 

I remember sitting on the shag carpet in the apartment I lived in at the time – this purple shag carpet, loved that thing. I started a song [called “There Is a House”], and it wasn't like I wrote the whole thing in one sitting, but as soon as I started it, I felt so much better. It was like this big lift, or an untangling of wires. Whenever I feel something that's not serving me, I'll try to somehow make something out of it that does serve me, if that makes sense.

[TF]: Yeah. And I think that's incredibly healthy! Art almost has to come from that place of raw feeling. The best songs, I feel, are like the one you just described. They almost pour out of you. 

[DD]: It did, but it probably also started as gibberish. (laughs) It came from a place of intense emotion, but it was still gibberish.

[TF]: So as you probably know, I like to wrap up like this, but for anyone out there grappling with these similar feelings, do you have any advice, or words of wisdom for how to work through them? Or maybe any best practices for the rest of us?

[DD]: I think it's important to know that it's not grounded completely in reality. And I think it helps, like I said, to talk to someone else who knows you well, and can sort of reset the way you're looking at yourself. Also, think about what you can do with these feelings that will maybe help to flip them into something better. That could just be like knowing that they're not real, and moving on or letting them go. Or it can be turning it into a song or a piece of art or just a conversation. It's a pretty universal experience. I was reading some stuff last night, and I think I read something that said 80% of people in creative worlds experience these feelings. And it was based on a study in… what was it? I don't know. It was science. (laughs) I know it was science. But sometimes we can get so stuck in our heads and feel like not only are we having these emotions or thoughts about ourselves and our work, but we can feel really lonely in that, as if we're the only people struggling with it. 

[TF]: Yeah, once you put numbers to it, 80% is pretty much ‘normal.’ 

[DD]: And maybe it just comes from caring a lot about what we do. We want it to be good. We want it to be perfect, because we love it and we're passionate about it. That, in itself, is not a bad thing.

[TF]: That's such a good point to make, right? At the end of the day, this is a very human thing! And just to add on a little bit to the advice portion, because I've been trying to be better about this myself, but it's similar to when you're feeling just physically run-down, right? It's your body's way of telling you that you need to rest. And I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I am terrible at listening to that voice. I think it's the same thing creatively! If you're kind of feeling stuck in that mode of self-doubt more than not, then maybe it's time to take a break and explore something else for a minute. I do find that helpful as well. 

[DD]: I like that a lot too. And just be nice to yourself! I think that's important. Try to push out any negative thoughts, and maybe take a break from whatever's making you feel that way and do something that is completely unrelated, even just for a few minutes.