REVIEW: Melissa Auf der Maur
03/19 @ Basilica Hudson
Photos by Debi Gustafson
“I didn’t want fame. I didn’t want drugs and death. I didn't want any of it. I said no three times until I couldn’t say no because I realized it was my destiny to do it for women.”
Thursday evening was aglow in the light of a fool’s spring day, making the hour drive from Albany to Hudson scenic and idyllic. Unique storefronts, a community care station, long stretches of fields, and oddly colored houses scattered about otherwise typical neighborhoods makes Hudson, NY the perfect place to house Basilica Hudson — a nonprofit art center that at any day of the week could be holding music festivals, craft markets, art shows, and the like.
Basilica is a gorgeous factory from the 1880s with new life breathed into it. The entrance welcomes you and the windows, all lined with flickering white pillar candles, pull you in. Immediately to your right is a bar and a food station offering light fare. Tonight there was a sign at the bar suggesting to try the sake in honor of Melissa.
Melissa, of course, is Melissa Auf der Maur, the cofounder of Basilica and bassist of Hole and The Smashing Pumpkins, whose memoir, Even the Good Girls Will Cry, was released on March 17, her birthday. Auf der Maur partnered with The Golden Notebook, an indie bookstore in Woodstock, to help supply the copies of her memoir sold that evening.
Auf der Maur is called to the stage, along with Jennifer Venditti, a casting director fresh from the Oscars, nominated for Marty Supreme, a decades long friend to Auf der Maur, and godmother to Auf der Maur’s daughter.
In walks Auf der Maur, in a flowing blue dress, with her signature curly red hair. She looks like what any good art teacher looks like, or perhaps a more chic Miss Frizzle. Auf der Maur emanates a certain warmth — you unquestioningly trust her. She seems like the kind of person whose shoulder you could cry on and she would respond with sage advice after deeply considering the problem at hand.
Surprisingly, more people were called to the stage. A group of teenage girls were off to the side, diligently awaiting Auf der Maur’s instruction. These girls, all about 14 or 15, are friends of Auf der Maur’s teenage daughter. Auf der Maur invited them to introduce her and Venditti and read excerpts from the novel as an ode to her younger self and as an act of inviting the next generation of girls to participate in the conversation.
Auf der Maur plunged into the reading by facing her daughter and her friends and started off with the dedication page, which reads “for River [her daughter] and all the girls.” Within the context of the night, it’s clear that “all the girls” means girls and women in general, especially in conversation with music, but it does feel like quite an intentional line, something that includes all of her daughter's friends as if they were her own.
She continues, “The turn of a millennium rarely happens in a lifetime. This is a story about the decade that defined me and my generation, 1991–2001. I would never wish for another time to come into my womanhood.”
Auf der Maur’s book is split into three acts with various interludes and dreamscapes throughout. She was raised by atheists, never really touching the subject of spirituality, but when she started having odd and terrifying dreams, she took them as premonitions.
As the teenage girls read the dreamscapes, Auf der Maur closed her eyes and really listened. Perhaps guarding herself from the memory of the dreams, or perhaps as a sign of respect for the girls reading. But, although they were her own words, by closing her eyes, she seemed to decenter herself from the conversation, handing the spotlight over to the younger girls.
Continually, Auf der Maur proves that the night was not solely about her. She also hands the spotlight over to Venditti. Venditti and Auf der Maur have an easy, freeflowing way of conversing; it truly felt like the audience was a fly on the wall to a conversation between old friends.
Auf der Maur walks Venditti and the audience through the first time she saw The Smashing Pumpkins. “They were pulling from references that I didn’t know about. Something is moving me. I think ‘what is that? Why do I like this? I need this.’”
While she was having a spiritual experience, her friend’s boyfriend who accompanied them to the show, felt differently. He interrupted the set by throwing a beer bottle, which caused Billy Corgan to jump into the crowd and brawl with him. Afterwards, they played their final song of the night, “I Am One.”
“And I change,” Auf der Maur says, making sure the audience feels the weight of that statement. “It’s true! Every cell in my body changes. This is who I am. I need this.” But despite this spiritual awakening due to this music, she didn’t quite know she was supposed to play it herself yet. She was approaching the music as a fan who became a penpal with Corgan.
“I didn’t want fame. I didn’t want drugs and death. I didn't want any of it!” She sighs and continues, “I said no three times until I couldn’t say no because I realized it was my destiny to do it for women.”
Throughout the night, Auf der Maur makes it clear that she is not afraid of addressing the silk slip-clad elephant in the room. Venditti opens the door for her to explain her relationship with Courtney Love, the infamous singer of Hole. “You honor her here. The legacy of music has left her out and you feel this responsibility to shine a light on her and celebrate her, this person who caused you so much pain.”
Nodding in affirmation, Auf der Maur expands on this: “It’s not just for her or because I gave a very significant chapter of my life to her. It’s for the women who needed us and wanted us, the women who were manipulated by the media to not understand what was happening. It’s for all women and every demonized female.”
She explains that long-standing friendships can go through many cycles and she and Love are in a much better place. She’s even featured on Love’s upcoming album, which is set to release later this year. She includes artifacts from her relationship with Love in the book — a transcription of the letter Love sent her upon finding out she had resigned from the band, and what she calls “the beauty manifesto.”
“By the end, when I put these two letters together, you see how generous and intelligent she is. I have deep respect for this woman who is standing her ground and trying not to be pushed around. The love is clear in these letters and I didn’t see it until I found these fading faxes. I transcribed them and I fucking understood. She was way ahead of me. She always is. I was surrounded by such empty sadness and pain after my father died. I was unable to receive what she was saying. But I received it 20 years later.”
And thank god she did. This must have been one of the countless instances that caused her to reflect on her time in these bands, allowing for this project to happen. Additionally, Auf der Maur will be publishing a collection of her archival photographs, My ‘90s Rock Photographs, which will be released in September. With that, an exhibit on display in Toronto, which may hopefully travel here to Basilica Hudson.
Venditti points out that they’re being asked to wrap up. Auf der Maur, extends our time together, saying, “We’re not wrapping up, there’s one more reader!” and gives space to the girl reading the last dreamscape. No girl would be forgotten on Auf der Maur’s watch.
A highlight of the night was towards the end, when Auf der Maur’s daughter and friend sang a song they wrote based on the book, which they composed as a birthday gift to her last year. Auf der Maur calls it the greatest gift she’s ever received. The girls proved their own musical prowess when performing the sweet tune that was so catchy everyone left with it stuck in their heads. The audience sat, heartened, watching Auf der Maur’s work come to fruition. Despite the odds, the kids are alright. The door has been opened, and all the girls are walking through it.
For more information on Melissa Auf der Maur’s book and upcoming projects, visit xmadmx.com or @xmadmx on instagram. Check out upcoming events at Basilica by following @basilicahudson and consider popping into @goldennotebookbookstore for a copy of Even the Good Girls Will Cry.
