INTERVIEW: Brianne Brinker: Coach, Parent, Athlete, and Author of Skating Out of the Vault
**A condensed version of this interview originally appeared in our November print issue.**
“I just wanted to make it easier for the next person that's going to come out — the person that's hiding, that is terrified, that's living in a home where they wouldn't be accepted or whatever the case is.”
Brianne Brinker is an athlete and parent who also coaches hockey and more at Union College. In September, she officially added “author” to that list. Skating Out of the Vault is Brinker’s debut book, detailing her life before, during, and after her realization of her trans identity, her college hockey career, and her life. The memoir is a personal, touching example of both trans joy and struggle.
Skating Out of the Vault also serves as a handbook on how to be an ally to trans people and how we can all work together to make the world better for every person growing up in it.
Read my full conversation with Brinker about her book, her hopes for trans youth, and more below.
Shelby Hafener: I wanted to start by saying you already have an impressive resume of things you've done: athlete, parent, partner, coach, and now you've added author to this. What does that feel like to add something so major?
Brianne Brinker: I'll tell you, it feels very humbling. I never thought that I would be writing a book. It really took me a while to figure out that I could. My late wife, she was the one that was a writer. That was her thing. She taught writing. She loved writing. She just didn't have that confidence to do it full-time and really wanted to be at home and stuff with raising the kids. And so that's not my strength necessarily, but I think I just wrote like I was speaking and used my voice.
I know people that have done it and I know how much I've looked up to them for what they do. I work on a college campus and there's a lot of those people that publish. The fact that I was able to publish this, it's amazing but also just invigorating, the fact that that's another vessel that I can use my visibility and my voice to help educate and comfort others and be a role model for others.
SH: Yeah, one thing I noticed was that as much as this book is about you and your journey, it's also like a handbook on how to be a good ally and how to create a safe space for other young trans kids or kids of color. How important was that in your writing process to include as well as your story?
BB: Well, I think that was the whole point of it, honestly. When I first came out on campus, I was the only person at the time. I was the third person ever to really come out there. And so I knew people would be looking at me. My job makes me very visible at games. I'm at all the men's hockey games, which are very popular on our campus and throughout our department. I'm also visible in the hockey scene in this area — youth hockey, adult hockey, all of that. So I knew that people would see me. And so I just wanted to make it easier for the next person that's going to come out — the person that's hiding, that is terrified, that's living in a home where they wouldn't be accepted or whatever the case is. I wanted to try to be there because it was terrifying for me. Overall, it turned out to be pretty nice, but all that tension, all that stuff building up through the years was difficult.
SH: Of course. You've been working on this book for a while. Do you feel like this is especially important in light of current attacks from the administration, especially when they focus on the whole, quote unquote, “boys in girls sports” debate? To not only show a story of someone who has done it so successfully, but also has had joy from it, highlighting the trials and successes that can come from transitioning?
BB: Yes, yes. And when I started this, I did want to make [this book] because I am an athlete. I was an athlete in a very emasculated sport: men's hockey. I loved it. I lived for it. And on the other hand, I had no idea this was coming. This political situation is coming right when my book is coming out. I thought I would help get coaches involved. And we've done a workshop or two on campus with athletics and things of that nature. But there's just so much still to go. And to think that in a football program that's been going on for a hundred years, that there's nobody that's even queer or let alone trans? We're out there. I don't think I'm the only ex-collegiate athlete who has come out as openly trans.
I wanted to talk from that perspective the best I could. Some of those [phrases] like “hit him with your purse,” “playing like a bunch of girls,” and “get your skirt off.” All those sayings and what they do [to young people] and what messages they send to different people, how it lands. What if I kind of want to wear a skirt into the game? I would have loved to have done that type of thing.
SH: I also noticed the inherent fear, too, of working with younger people before you transitioned, and being worried about the sort of, “Who am I leaving my kids with?” kind of thing. And again, in the climate we’re currently in, I feel like this is a beautiful example of this being something you care about and you love, you want to teach children because you cared about it as a young person.
BB: 100%. Yeah.
SH: I feel like that's a really important message to send is that the reason we want queer and trans people around kids is to show that they can be themselves in any way possible. And I think this did an incredible job of that.
You also have a chapter describing the first time you received gender affirming healthcare (GAHC). GAHC is something that is also under attack in our current political climate. Can you speak to what your life has been since then and how important GAHC is to you?
BB: Well, it gave me so much confidence. First of all, let's just define what it is. I mean, therapy, going through a therapist to talk about that. That's gender affirming care. That's personal care. That's health care. And so that's important. And I think we forget that about that sometimes. Getting that little blue pill was obviously amazing. I know what it did. I know what the hormones and the blockers did to me. My muscles were tingling after about a month or two, and I know what muscle mass kind of dropped a little bit. I was never a big, huge person, and I really didn't like lifting weights all that much. But I could tell I wasn't quite as strong.
SH: Do you feel like you have to, as you continue coaching, adjust how you play and how you coach because of the physical changes?
BB: Yeah, a little bit, but because I play with just our Team Trans team now. I'm among the older players out there; I'm smart enough to be able to handle certain things and I'm in shape enough to be able to get to where I need to be. But I'm not in shape enough to be chasing kids all over the ice. So I have to play smart. But, I didn't forget how to play hockey or how to coach hockey or anything about hockey when I transitioned. That's still me. That's still part of who I am. It’s just that now I'm in a place where I have confidence to talk about things, and I get confidence to be who I am, and I can call things out that are not appropriate.
[In the past,] I kind of just went along with things, and I hated myself for that. I feel I could have done more to help. I don't know how many times I could sit around and talk to people and one person jokes about doing something and someone else joins in. And then somebody else kind of giggles and then somebody else thinks, “You know, if they can do that, I can.” I heard all of that stuff. And yet I felt so scared that if I would stick my neck out for them, I'd be outed. I didn't even know what I was worried about.
I do think it's really important to just be 100% who we are. Authentic. That's my thing.
SH: You said that hockey is still a part of you and you haven't forgotten it, and it's part of who you are. When writing this book, what was it like to kind of combine these two major aspects of your life: your history with hockey, and your story as a trans woman?
BB: It was really good. It was cathartic, because it was there the whole time. All I did was try to convey what was going on there in the outward — my joy and everything I really loved about playing hockey, along with who I was in the beginning. Those kinds of things were always there, but I just couldn't say it. And now I can. I can talk about each of them on an equal footing.
Now we've got a Team Trans, and there's over 200 people right now playing on that team from coast to coast. So, you know, there's nothing exclusive about it right now. And I think the difficulty, looking back at it, is that had I transitioned there, my hockey career would have been over. And that’s sadly, what these [anti-trans] people want to do. It's not quite fair.
There's so many people that are struggling with the same thing and luckily, they've got their phones. They've got things like that to be able to figure this out. There's role models. I had no role models. I had nobody I knew until later. That was hard.
SH: You talked about going to drag shows with other trans women, and how important that community was to you and your self-discovery and transition. Can you speak a bit on what it's like to have seen a community like that and then seeing now, however many years later, how these communities have changed and developed and how that feels to kind of see that change?
BB: That's an interesting question. One of the changes is they're openly trying to outlaw them. But I mean, RuPaul’s Drag Race is the big popular [drag show], right? But now there are cis [gender] people going to watch those. They're not just confined to gay bars and starting at 11 p.m.. There's brunches that are out in the open and anybody's welcome. And so I think it's amazing, honestly. I think it's good for the kids to see because again, I was around straight people all of my life, but that doesn't mean I was necessarily straight. It’s the same thing with being trans. I never met a trans person before. I thought I was alone. I didn't know what I was. I didn't know who I was. I see a lot more allies when I go to different queer scenes and pride absolutely exploded. Pride is insane and I absolutely love it. There's so many people coming out and celebrating and they're willing to celebrate with us. I'm not naive enough to think that there's not people against me. I know that. But it is a big, big deal.
SH: What kind of simple, one paragraph advice would you give to young trans kids who are athletic and in sports deemed “masculine” and want to keep doing the sport they love while being true to themselves?
BB: I think it's incumbent upon us as a community to speak up and say, look, the inclusion is a big, big deal. And the fact that including a high school student with people that are the same gender as them is a big thing. And sports teams can do that. I just encourage them to stay strong, and to believe in who they are. Do your thing, be the best teammate you can be. You do what's right for your own privacy. Be active with the school board. Try to get allies, and go and talk to the school board. It could be frightening and terrifying, but I think it's important that we do that. We have to. We've got to advocate for ourselves. And whether or not it works, maybe there's somebody else that's sympathetic. Maybe there's somebody else there that has a trans kid themselves.
College is different from high school, for sure. But the few that I know are really thriving, actually. They're doing great. They're being themselves. There are still scary moments. But I think that high school kids are starting to figure this out a little bit better. I'm seeing it on campus. I see more people coming into our campus and they’re gender nonconforming or they’re trans. And we didn't have that before. Now people are coming in and I don't even know everybody. Like, before it was just so few of us that we knew each other and now it's just they're they're all over. I hear fewer and fewer complaints about professors not using their pronouns.
One guy said, simply, just don't be an asshole. If somebody messes up your pronouns or messes up your name, and they know it and they catch himself and they just apologize and move on, that's it. Just let them apologize and move on.
SH: We talked a lot about heavy stuff, your history and experience. But what is one fun fact about yourself that might not be in a book that is a part of you?
BB: Oh my gosh. The things that really bring me to light are just the little things; being on the list of people invited to a birthday party. I didn't really have that before. I wasn’t outgoing enough and thinking, “The women are going on a thrift day.” And now I'm included in that and I feel a sense of belonging. I obviously miss my wife; I would love to spend more time, honestly, with my fiance with their hockey, because they love that. That's something that really means a lot to them. And unfortunately, sometimes I'm just so hockey-ed out because my office was in a rink and all that. But yeah, those are things I like, and I love seeing my son bowl, I love seeing my daughter graduate and drive. That's a big important part of it.
Visit Brianne’s website at authenticallybrianne.com to learn where you can get a copy of Skating Out of the Vault and information on any of her upcoming book signings.